E-mail from the Dead

You’re probably familiar with electronic voice phenomena (EVP) and some of its permutations, like phone calls from the other side, but there’s a lesser-known variant of the phenomena that may appear in your computer’s in-box. Electronic E-mail Phenomena (EEP) is mysteriously occurring with greater and greater frequency. If you receive some, don’t worry, just answer it or delete it. (Note: Norton Ghost will not delete EEPs, but the company is working on an ectoplasmic firewall called the Norton Merrinator, while Microsoft has promised the EEP Exorcist as part of their Longhorn package.)

We have been monitoring and collecting EEPs of various types and are proud to bring you the first installment of our research results.

Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Watson can you (indecipherable) me?
A.G. Bell
Notre Dame

It was a parable. No way in hell I gathered up 2 of each animals—are you people on crack?
Noah
The big Ark in the sky

Egads! I’ve discovered a way to talk to the Other Side! No, wait, I’m dead so this is technically the other side ...
Thomas Edison
Washington DC (and AC)

I have nothing to write about. :-(
Emily Dickinson
Eaton-on-Worms, Poet’s Burial Ground #9

Emily, why the hell don’t you just stop your infernal whining! Have an absinthe! Get a death!
George Sands
Elaine’s North
Manhattan in the Sky

White boys. . . they’re what’s for dinner!
Marilyn Monroe
Hollywood Legends Memorial Park

Tapuckata puckata puckata
Danny Kaye
Turner Classic Movie Mauseoleum

Hey baby. . . You put the tang in Poontang!
Harry Palmer
Long Wang Cemetery and Disco Heaven

Actually, I invented the internet. Now, get out you (missing words)!
Richard M. Nixon
3rd Circle Mezzanine

No, that was mine too. Go now!
Thomas A. Edison
Traveling the wires

Geronimo!
Pappy Bush
Skull & Bones Heaven, location classified

Tell the painters to stop giving me boy hair.
Joan of Arc
Lost in the ether(net)

Get out!
Richard M. Nixon
4th Circle, Women’s Lingerie

Geronimo. . .What have you done with Geron--
Pappy Bush
Skull & Bones Heaven, location classified

Oh, Captain!
Mrs. Muir
Gull Ectocottage by-the-Sea

Madam! Would you please stop hoisting yourself on my petard? It’s getting rather tedious!
Capt. Gregg
Under Mrs. Muir

Geronimo’s skull! Where’s Geronimo’s skull, Grandson?
Pappy Bush
Skull & Bones Foyer, location classified

(Note: We forwarded this question to the sitting president, but he refused to answer, citing a need to discuss this issue with his tie first.) http://www.crooksandliars.com/2004/12/22.html#a1129

Help me! I’m moldering in my grave!
John Brown
In his grave

O Death, Thy cold hands have gripped my soul, ripped my breath from my body, thou...aww, screw it. I’m dead.
Shakespeare
Old Orb Theatre
Tobacco Pouch, England

Are there any old west towns I didn’t sheriff for a time?
Wyatt Earp
The Old Schism Trail

Deadwood’s mine, you (indecipherable) (indecipherable) old (indecipherable) show-off!
Seth Bullock
Bullock Hotel Boiler Room
Deadwood, SD

Fairies! I see fairies!
A. Conan Doyle
The Other World

Would you people just leave me alone already?
Houdini
Stuck in limbo without a key

Doyle! Knock it off. Those are just aliens!
The Smoking Man
Morley Heaven

Geronimo! Our skull is gone! Dubya, you little scallywag, what have you done with it?
Pappy Bush
Skull & Bones boy’s room, location classified

Get out!
Dubya’s tie.
Oval Office via Madame Zircon

May I nibble your freenum?
Harry Palmer
Peeping on you from Polyesterland

I’m not dead.
Elvis Presley
Eternity, CA

Nor am I.
Ambrose Bierce
Eternity, CA

I’ll get you, my pretties. You and your little sheriff, too!
Jack the Ripper
In your freezer

I am the Keymaster.
Ben Franklin
Lightning Bolt, Washington DC (and AC)

And I’m the Gatekeeper!
Madam Blavatsky
In crystal balls nationwide

Oh. . . dear. No. Not you. But then, all cats are gray in the dark. But please, Madam, might you pluck your eyebrow a bit first?
Ben Franklin,
Lightning Bolt, Washing DC (and AC)

When I reincarnate, I want to be a little blonde girl with a pretty little curl right in the middle of her forehead.
J. Edgar
Transvestial Virgin Memorial Park
French Lick, IN

I am great!
Amazing Grace
Elvis’s root cellar, TN

Get Out! GET OUT!
Jodie
Amityville, NY

No! (Missing words) You get out!
Richard M Nixon
4th Circle, hair pomade aisle

You’re fired! All of you! Get out!
Donald Trump’s dead hair follicles
Cigar box in his underwear drawer
Big gold tower, NY

GET OUT’s mine, you (indecipherable) idiots. Say it again and I’ll sue you!
Jodie
At the trademark office in Amityville

That reminds me of a story. . .
Sam Clemens
Natchez Graveyard
The Ol’ Mississip

That’s all for now. We’ll find out what Sam Clemens’ story is next time! And maybe the Oval Office will get back to us about that missing skull. . .